CUT TO: EXT. SOFTBALL FIELD - DAY
DAVE "Alright, let's get tough out there!"
DIANE walks up from behind the backstop.
DIANE "Excuse me."
DAVE "You want to suit up? We need all the help we can get."
DIANE "No, thank you, I can't even walk or dress myself."
DAVE "That's okay, neither can they."
DIANE "I wanted to talk to you about Toonces the Cat That Could Drive and Mr. Peepers."
DAVE "Say again?"
DIANE "Toonces and Peepers."
DAVE "Those names sound like they should mean something to me, but I'm just not--"
DIANE "Toonces! Peepers! Our cats!"
DAVE "The cat thing! Yes! Toonces and Peepers. Right. I've done something wrong again, haven't I?"
DIANE "I was wondering why two cats have been shitting all over the house since this morning while you are out here playing with your balls."
DAVE "I need the practice."
DIANE "That wasn't funny."
DAVE "It was a little funny."
DIANE "Lieutenant, would you feel very insulted if I recommended to your supervisor that he assign me a different husband?"
DAVE "Why?"
DIANE "I don't think you're fit to handle these cats."
DAVE "You don't even know me. Ordinarily it takes someone hours to discover I'm not fit to handle a cat."
DIANE just stares.
DAVE "Oh come on, that was damn funny."
DIANE moves close to DAVE to say this with a degree of confidentiality.
DIANE "I do know you. David Micheal Stegall, born November 8th, 1974 at Oconomowoc Hospital. Your father's Larry Stegall, former Teacher of the United States. You are going to Marquette Law on a Diane Stegall Welfare scholarship, probably because that's what your father wanted you to do, and now you're just treading water for the three years you've gotta serve in the D.A.s Office, just kinda layin' low til you can get out and get a real job. And if that's the situation, that's fine ' I won't tell anyone. But my feeling is that if these cats get handled in the same fast-food, slick-ass ' Persian Bazaar manner with which you seem to handle everything else, something's gonna get missed. And I wouldn't be doing my job if I allowed Toonces and Peepers to spend any more time shitting all over the house than absolutely necessary,because their owner had pre-determined the path of least resistance.
DAVE can't help but be impressed by that speech.
DAVE "Wow. I'm sexually aroused, Commander."
DIANE "You don't have a shot with me. And I don't think our cats are responcible for shitting all over the house."
DAVE " What are you basing this on?"
DIANE "You have never cleaned the litter box. I'm gonna speak to your supervisor."
DAVE "Okay. You go straight up 78th Street. It's the brick cape cod that had the murder in it."
DIANE "Thank you."
DAVE "I don't think you'll have much luck, though. We were married by Father Dan, remember? Somebody over there thinks I'm a good husband. So while I appreciate your interest and admire your enthusiasm, I think I can pretty much handle the cats myself."
DIANE "Do you know what a pooper scooper is?"
DAVE doesn't, but he doesn't say anything.
DIANE "What a pity."
8 comments:
It doesn't get any better than toonces and peepers
Ricker...you are hilarious. I must say that was pretty good :) Not sure how I got to be the lucky one who gets to have the most unflattering pics hit the web though. No worries, I understand. You are in a tough spot. Dave's blog is booming with hit after hit after hit and your a new comer to the world of blogging. Sometimes you just have to post some crazy shit to get a fan base going. Love always, Diane
Oops, just realized I used the wrong "your." It should be "you're." Gotta go...my husband is talking to the cats as if they were humans sitting in our living room. Time for some human intervention...Diane
Ricky, You magnificent bastardo, I read your blog. Your screen play lacks insight, and all round feline knowledge. One glowing example is your error in saying Larry Stegall was teacher of the United States, he was, in fact, the "greatest Teacher of the WORLD"! Please correct this error immediately. With Warmest Regards, Larry Stegall,T.G.T.O.W. PS> Toonces would NOT shit on the floor, he would shit in the car...such a rookie mistake!
Hello. And Bye.
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