Friday, May 27, 2011


One Million Three Hundred Seventeen Thousand Five Hundred and Eighty Eight. 1,317,588. That is the number of casualties that the United States of American has suffered in all wars.
Here is the top ten:
10. Philippine War (1898-1902) 4,196 deaths
9. Iraq (2003-2011) 4,430 deaths
8. Mexican-American War (1846-1848) 13,283 deaths
7. War of 1812 (1812-1815) 20,000 deaths
6. War of Independence (1775-1783) 25,000 deaths
5. Korean War (1950-1953) 36,914 deaths
4. Vietnam War (1964-1973) 58,169 deaths
3. World War I (1917-1918) 116,708 deaths
2. World War II (1941-1945) 407,316 deaths
1. Civil War (1861-1865) 623,026 deaths

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

This weekend while you are grilling out, watching the kids play soccer, opening the pool or just getting together with friends and family, take a moment to reflect on why it is you are freely able to participate in these activities. Take a moment this weekend from complaining about the cost of gasoline, to think of the cost 1,317,588 individuals laid down for your freedom. Those 13 stripes and 50 stars fly freely over our heads for a reason. We live in the greatest country in the world because of the love, dedication and ultimate sacrifice of others. Please don’t take that for granted this Memorial Day weekend

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Scott's Bachelor Party

This past Saturday was Jay's young brother, Scott's, bachelor party. Jay got some tickets to the Brewers game and I told him that when they got down to the stadium to give me a call and I would meet up with them. Things started out innocently enough. Here is James with the turkey they were deep frying.But James didn't leave it in the fryer quite long enough and if you look closely it is a little on the rare side. Jay was trying to tell me you couldn't get sick from under cooked turkey. He also mentioned as he was eating some of the bird that the under cooked meat was a little rubbery.Before the Brewer game, most people went on a canoe trip down the Pewaukee River. I decided to take a pass on the canoe trip. Here is Scott with his duct tape shoes because the shoes he started the day out with were completely soaked.We tried to get a team photo shortly before going into the game, but Scott didn't seem to want to participate in the picture. We were taking him away from a game of people throwing cheese curds at him that he was trying to catch in his mouth. And if you look you can see one of Jay's cousin's is hiding under the bus for some reason.Even when we got Scott in the picture, he was still resisting. By the 4th inning of the game, security came rolling through and told us we needed to go into the game. Tim is talking to one security guard on the left side of the picture in the gray shirt and Scott in the blue shirt is talking to the other security guard. Neither of them got very far in trying to let us stay a bit longer.Now this party of the game I feel a little bad about because I pretty much started this thing. When we got to our seats in the 5th inning we saw that Luke was asleep / passed out in his seat. Jay said to me "Luke drove six hours to get to this game and now he is sleeping through it." So as you can see Jay and I started messing with him a little bit. Things quickly escalated. After the Brewers got a hit or made a good play and the crowd would cheer, Jay and I would turn around, and try to get everyone to be quiet because Luke was sleeping. After a home run in the 5th inning we realized that Luke wasn't going to wake up any time soon. It wasn't too long before the entire section was aware that Luke was out cold. And then things got a little out of hand. A lady two rows behind us gave me her lipstick and it was pretty much all over for Luke. Jay and I started painting him up.I don't have alot of experience with applying make up but I think we did a pretty good job. I think I did a little better job and Jay. He did the left side, I did the right.Soon everyone was taking pictures of Luke. And there was quite a bit of commotion going on. In fact between innings the 3rd base umpire was laughing at him.But of course all good things must come to an end. And 50 soon came in to take Luke away. While the cops were getting Luke to his feet, they asked "Is anyone coming with him?" And no one was willing to leave with him, so they hauled him away solo. Luke got a standing ovation on his way out. I wish I had been there when he first looked in the mirror.In hindsight, once we were done painting him up, we really should have woke him up so he wouldn't get kicked out. Next time. Lesson learned. Here was the Sausage Race.Later our group took a picture of us all pretending to be passed out.The Brewers won the game. During the last batter of the game these two guys across the aisle from us had their shirts off and were cheering. And as soon as the last out was made, another guy from their group came up behind them and started slapping their bare flesh. He slapped this guy so hard that he drew blood.Here we are after the game.Of course when you get back to the lot you have to get some juggling torches going. Who needs a field sobriety test?And I thought it would be a nice touch to get the four Kempen brothers together for a photo. I had no idea that there was a full moon Saturday night, let alone two of them.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Not Ron Burgundy, The Other Anchorman

This one comes up from time to time. Jay's Bachelor Party. When we got to the cabin we rented for the weekend we started playing drinking games. We had a half barrel, so why not start a game of Anchorman. For those unaware, here are the rules:
Two teams sit on opposite sides of a table and try to get a quarter into a full pitcher of beer. To start the game flip a coin, and have a team call heads or tails in the air. If correct that team starts. The teams then alternate turns, trying to make their quarters land in the pitcher. The first team to put all 4 of their quarters in the pitcher is the winner. This means the losing team has to drink the contents of the pitcher. But before they drink, the winning team has to pick someone to be the "Anchorman". The anchorman must drink last and finish the remaining beer, whether it is just a sip or the whole pitcher. Teammates of the anchorman must drink first and decide how much they leave for the anchorman. While drinking, the teammates cannot take their lips off of the pitcher. If they do, they must pass the pitcher to the next person. If the losing team can not finish the pitcher, then it is filled up again and they have to start drinking it all over again. Sometimes that we actually "let the anchorman go dry" which means that the pitcher is gone before it gets to the anchorman. I can even recall seeing the first person finish the full pitcher of beer alone, but those days are far in the rearview mirror.
Anyhow back to the story. The only pitcher we found in the place was this behemoth. I mean look at it, it is the size of 2 of Nate's heads. It easily held a gallon. After the first game when the losing team couldn't finish the pitcher, we changed the rules so that each person on the losing team got two turns at drinking. And look at The General, you can tell that on his turn he only took a sip.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

A Double Birthday

Today is May 24th and my older brother, Dan's, birthday. But in a way it is my birthday too. Because back in college Dan gave me his ID. I went from being 19 to 24. I used that ID everywhere and never had a problem. That was until one night in Oconomowoc of all places. I don't recall everyone who was there, but I know Dan was there and so was Steve Nevermann. The bouncer said it wasn't me on the ID and he called the cops. While we were waiting for the cops to come, Steve came over by me and I told him to meet me at McDonalds in 20 minutes. Steve walked away and I bolted for the door. That fat bouncer didn't have a chance of catching me. We were maybe a mile from McDonalds and I bet I made it there in 6 minutes. But anyhow, I was Dan for almost 2 years and because of that I will never forget his birthday. So how about a picture of the birthday boy on the happiest day of his life. That is Dan on the left, Jody on the right and if you can believe it, that is me in the middle.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

New TV Show

I came up with an idea for a new TV show. The premise of the show is to follow a person around who scalps tickets to sporting events and concerts. Two of my favorite people to watch scalp would be Joe and then his buddy Shooter. I think key to getting a great price from a scalp is to go in with the mindset that you don’t really care if you go into the show or not. I recall a Bucks game that I went to with Joe where Joe named his price, the scalper said “You will never get a ticket that cheap.” Joe said “When you change your mind, I will be in Major Goolsebys.” 10 minutes later the guy came into the bar and sold Joe the tickets for whatever price Joe had agreed to. Then there was Shooter. Shooter got this scalper at a Pittsburgh Pirates game so pissed off that the scalper said “Hell no, I am not selling you these tickets. I would rather stick them in the freezer than sell them to you.” And then the scalper just left because it was around the 3rd inning and there was no one else to sell them to. There are two shows that are about pawn shops, a couple of about rebuilding custom motorcycles and at least 4 about cakes. How about just one about scalping?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Weekend Recap

I know it is Friday and the weekend is here, but how about a quick recap from last weekend. Friday after work I ordered some Crawdaddys carry out. Then I settled into watch the Brewer game. In the back of my mind I was considering heading to the movies. It had been a while since I have been to a theater, and in the 5th inning I decided to go catch a flick. I went to see “The Adjustment Bureau”. Here is my 2 sentence review. Good acting, good dialog, horrible plot. 5 out of 10.
Saturday I woke up and got a workout in. I knew that Joe and Dawn were going to the Brewer game that day with a group coming on a bus from Madison. He sent me a text when they got down to the parking lot. It was about 45 degrees out and drizzling, but I decided to go down to Miller Park anyway. They just paved the section of the Hank Aaron State Trail from 94th street down to the stadium last year and I had been meaning to check it out. It was actually probably quicker to bike down that to drive. However, 2 blocks into my ride, I really had wished that I brought gloves. I found Joe and Dawn and I hung out with their group until they decided to go into the game. I walked around still debating if I really wanted to go into the game mainly because I knew it was going to be even colder on the ride home if I waited until after the game was out. I talked to a couple of scalpers to get a feel for how much I could get a ticket for. But I knew I wanted to wait until the game actually started before purchasing my ticket because the price really drops once the game starts. I decided to have a beer while waiting and I took cover from the wind by the TMJ mobile radio station outside the park. I talked to these 4 guys who were also finishing their beers in the same place for about 20 minutes. Once they left, I did as well and started messing with the scalpers. By this time it was the second inning and there were still plenty of tickets, but I was trying to get a Loge Level seat for $5. The best I could do was $10, I was going to try the scalpers behind the outfield wall one more time and then go home. I was walking past the Will Call booths when I just happened to look over and there was Nate. Here was our conversation:
Me: “Hey Buddy, What are you doing?”
Nate: “Well I am working what are you doing?”
Me: “I am trying to get a scalper to sell me a Loge Level seat for $5.”
Nate turned grabbed two tickets from the counter behind him.
Nate: “Here buddy, I just upgraded one of my season ticket holders to diamond box, you can have his Loge seats.”
Me: “Thanks buddy. Are you going to come watch an inning or two?”
Nate: “Yeah, I can watch one inning.”
So I put my flask in the hoodie of my raincoat, that is by the way, my favorite place to carry in alcohol. And into the game I went. Nate did come and join me for an inning but then had to leave. It was a pretty good game. Oh and Joe, I tried to text you all game, but for some reason my texts were going through. And I forgot to find out where you were sitting. Here was the view from my seats.But the ride home on my bike really sucked. It was raining and cold and by the time I got home I couldn't feel my fingers.
Sunday was just more work on the temple and then some cards all afternoon.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

2 Klinks Enter, 1 Klink Leaves

This was back during college. A group of us took a road trip up to St. Norberts to visit Preston. This was in the tenderloin of mine and my friends binge drinking days. In the days leading up to the trip there was a buzz that Preston was staking claim that he could beat Justus in slamming a pitcher of beer. Not a cup, or two cups, or even three cups but a full pitcher. We had a car load of guys that came up, and a number of Preston’s friends from school were over at his place. Probably a total of 10 -15 guys at this pre-party before heading out. Shortly after walking in the door, Preston through down the challenge and Justus eagerly accepted. As pitchers were being filled, I started the chant “2 Klinks enter, 1 Klink leaves”, a la Mad Max Beyond Thunder Dome. By the time the contest started, the entire house was in a frenzy and the chant was reaching a near ear deafening volume. Justus slightly edged out Preston (Masterblaster) despite some excess beer running down his chin. But as Preston states, in an event such as that one, everyone walks away a winner. Here is a picture taken from that day.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Jay's Wedding

Here is a story that came up the other day. The day that my buddy, Jay, got married everyone who was standing up had to be at the church pretty early. We probably had at least an hour if not two to burn before the ceremony. All of the groomsmen were quarantined to the priest office. I don’t recall who brought the deck of cards, but Jay’s three brothers all knew how to play sheepshead as well and myself and Justus. So we were gambling right up until the moment that we had to walk down the aisle. And the moment the service was over, we all ran back to the office to continue playing because as I recall we were in the middle of a round of doublers. Here we are playing, I am not sure if this was before or after the ceremony. But it did happen.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Bedwetter

Another story that came out while meeting up with Josh was this fine nugget. This is a Josh story from a year or two ago. Josh woke up one morning to find that he had wet the bed. He didn’t think too much of it, thinking that maybe it was because of stress or just a freak occurrence. The next night it happened again. Josh again didn’t think too much of it. But after the third night of wetting the bed he was starting to get a little concerned and made an appointment with his doctor. They performed a couple of tests, including prostate examinations by two different doctors. He also underwent a testicular ultrasound, which he confessed was performed by a rather attractive technician. And he admitted that while she was applying the lubrication gel for the ultrasound, he got rather aroused. Everything came back as normal. That evening it happened again. At this point he was getting pretty frustrated and he was feeling bad that his wife was changing the sheets on a daily basis. That evening he was heading out of town on business for a couple days. He decided that he didn’t want to deal with this problem on the road and headed to the store to purchase some “Depends” adult diapers for the trip. While away from home he slept in the diapers and didn’t have a problem at all. His first night back at home, he again wore a diaper to bed and there wasn’t a problem. After he awoke in the morning he used the bathroom and then decided to just lay in bed for another half an hour before getting up. He wasn’t asleep for more than 15 minutes when he woke up to find he was lying in a wet bed. He thought, “This is impossible! I just went to the bathroom!” At that point he ripped off the sheets and closely inspected the waterbed to find that there was a tiny hole in the lining of the waterbed and if he laid on the bed just right it would leak. So after 2 prostate exams, a testicular ultrasound, a couple of nights of sleeping in diapers he learned it was the bed that was the problem and not him.
Now here is the kicker to that story. For whatever reason, Josh is a fan of Alanis Morissette, and on her web page they had a contest for the best story and Josh sent in his bed wetting story. A week or two after he submitted his story, a box came in the mail. Turns out his story won the contest and he got some Alanis Morissette memorabilia including a signed photo. In fact Josh sent me a picture of the photo that he has on his desk at work. Here it is.Who enters an Alanis Morissette best story contest?

Monday, May 16, 2011

Caddyshack Fan

The other night my friend, Josh, from Minnesota was in town. Nate and I went out to meet Josh for a couple of drinks. During this little get together a number of stories came out. Somehow we got on to the topic of the movie “Caddyshack”. And this story surfaced to the top. Back in my college days, I got wind of the fact that the Paradise Theater located at National Ave and Greenfield Ave was closing. The last movie that they were going to show was “Caddyshack”. I don’t recall everyone in our group that went to the movie, but I do know that my friend, Tate, was there. You can say whatever you would like about today’s big screens and home entertainment centers, but there is no substitute for seeing a movie on the big screen. There are little subtle things that you just can’t pick up on your television. For instance, during a shot of the locker room you can read the graffiti on the sides of the lockers. I don’t think it is much of an exaggeration that both Tate and I had seen “Caddyshack” at least 50 times. Mid way through the movie, Tate noticed he had something stuck to the bottom of his shoe. As he ran his hand across the bottom of his shoe, he learned that somewhere on the walk to the theater that he stepped in dog crap. Tate whispered to me something to the effect, “Oh man, I stepped in dog crap.” I asked him if he wanted me to step out in the aisle so that he could go to the bathroom. He said to me, “Are you kidding? I am not missing any of this movie.” So he sat through the rest of the movie with dog crap on his hand. That my friends, is a true “Caddyshack” fan.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I Said Scream

Mother's Day

Here is Chucker with his the toilet trophy for fantasy football. It took me a while to get it done and then to finally remember to bring it, the next time I saw him. Chucker has taken home the last place trophy every other year for the last 8 years.Here are all of the grandkids.I had them all scream the picture before this one, and that is why Joey is crying.My mom with her mother's day present, a new dish washer. And all of the moms that were at my sister's Sunday afternoon.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Weekend Projects

I did a couple of projects around the house this weekend. The big one was transforming one of my skis into a shotski. What is a shotski? Well it is a snow ski that holds shot glasses. The first time I saw one was years ago when a group of us went out to West Virginia for the Badger game. Although that was a beer ski, as they just had cups taped to a ski and you just slammed they beer in the cup. I have only shotskis in two other places. One of the bars at Copper Mountain in Colorado. And Leff's Luckytown in Wauwatosa has one. And now I have one too. Who will be the first victim....I mean contestant? I will say this, the first people to use the shotski don't have to pay for their shots.I did some real quick surfing on the web and of course their is a website that sells Shotskis. Making the Shotski wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. I thought I could just drill a hole through it, but there is a piece of metal that runs through the ski which was impossible to drill through with the hole saw bits that I have. I ended up getting creative and used a combination of hole saw bits and a jig saw. And I had some old bull horns from a trip I made to Nebraska, at least I think it was Nebraska. I thought using the horns would be shotski holders.Oh and I also put up some curtains in the living room. What do you think? I know, they look a little too much like towels. But they do work, the light doesn't get through.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Freeman Party

It is with great pleasure that I announce the date of this year’s Antonio Freeman Party. You are cordially invited to attend. I will be supplying the beer, booze, soda, juice boxes, brats, burgers and buns. If you would like to bring a side dish, it would be appreciated. Mark your calendars, put this invitation on the fridge, cancel the mail, turn out the lights, leave the toilet seat up for the dog and join me, my family and my friends for what promises to be a fun and entertaining day/evening.

Date: Saturday, June 11th 2011

Time: 2:00 p.m. Central Standard Time (Last year Jody thought the party was on Western Greenland Time Zone)

Games are scheduled to begin around 3:00 p.m.

Dinner will be served shortly after the last round of musical chairs.

Where: My house, 127 N 78th Street, Milwaukee

Please RSVP by Friday June 3rd

Cell Phone: 414-397-1457

Bring your friends, family, whomever, as always your children are encouraged to attend. But please let me know how many will be attending so that I can plan accordingly.

If history has taught us anything, come prepared for rain and temps in the 40s.

And this year will be extra special. After dinner, I have some exciting live entertainment planned. It promises to be an event that you will not want to miss.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Fire Juggling

I thought the postings the last week or so have been pretty good. Then again, maybe not. I am not getting too many comments, check that, no comments. Well if this doesn't get a reaction, I don't know what I will have to do. Mind you, I am still a beginner. I am hoping to have a couple more tricks down come the Freeman Party. By the way, the official announcement for the Freeman Party will come out tomorrow.

Monday, May 02, 2011

A College Poem

This is a poem I wrote back when I was in college, shortly after I moved into the attic on Murray Street.

I live in a drafty lonely dark attic,
It is so close to the lake you can smell the haddock.
But this place is fine with me,
I can be alone and everyone else leaves me be.

It used to have a wooden floor and colored pink,
I fixed it up and added many comforts, everything but a sink.
Now the walls have yellow stripes and painted green,
It would be a pretty nice place if I could just keep it clean.

The closet is big and holds all of my clothes,
It also contains my dirty laundry so if you enter, hold your nose.
The doors and windows are trimmed in black,
I had to 3M the windows because of a big crack.

Carpeting wall to wall as blue as the sky,
And the deer head on the wall has a glass eye.
The chair was a deal and I picked it up for 15 bucks,
I have some good CDs but my stereo sucks.

My bed has a mattress pad and keeps me warm through the night,
The refrigerator hums but keeps cold my Sunny Delight.
Yes this is my place of rest where everything is mine,
Yet will of the these comforts, I am not alone and I'll be fine.