Pulp Soccer

My indoor soccer season has started up and is in full swing. I am playing both Monday and Wednesday nights. My Wednesday night team, The Amigos, is by far the best team I have ever played on. Not only is everyone on the team highly skilled in the game of soccer, but it is a good group of guys, and we play a style of soccer that is a lot of fun to play and watch. Plus in the last five sessions that I have played with these guys, I think we have only 2 loses, 1 tie, and we have won the session every time. My friend, Dave “The General” Stegall is also on the team. The kind words I stated about the team actually do not apply to him. At the beginning of every session, The General and I put together a little wager to see who can score the most points. We award 2 points for a goal and 1 point for an assist. After the first week, The General got out to a 5-1 lead. But in week two I rebounded and with 7 points including an admittedly lucky bicycle kick goal at the buzzer, and over took the point lead at 8-7. Going into week 3, The General and I had some back and forth banter over email as we normally do before our games. I would like to invite you in to follow our correspondence.

Rickie writes:

“Hey Dave, How are things going today? I hope that you are well. Are you up for the game tonight? It should be a spirited affair. I know that you told me after last week’s game that you believe that you were no good as a soccer player and for that matter a person. But keep your chin up. We can’t all do bicycle kicks for goals.”


The General writes:

“Um, Mr. Davies, three quick points.

1. I fully expect a hat trick tonight (from me). Don't look for any more charity from me in terms of giving the ball up in the offensive 1/3. I am way too selfish of a player.

2. Screw you and your bicycle kick; I do those in my sleep.

3. You are going down. I eat shit like you for breakfast.

I hate you.

I should be over around 8-8:30.

I really hate you.”


Rickie writes:

Rickie says, "What is the matter? Oh you were through. Well allow me to retort. What does a hat trick look like?"

Stegall says, "What?"

Rickie says, "What country are you from?"

Stegall says, "What?"

Rickie says, "What ain't no country I ever heard of. Do they speak English in What?"

Stegall says, "What?"

Rickie says, "ENGLISH M'ER F'ER. DO YOU SPEAK IT?"

Stegall says, "Yes"

Rickie says, "Then you understand what I'm saying?"

Stegall says, "Yes."

Rickie says, "What does a hat trick look like?"

Stegall says, "What?"

Rickie points his gun at Stegall

Rickie says, "SAY WHAT AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU! SAY WHAT ONE MORE TIME!"

A long pause as Stegall soils himself.

Rickie says, "What does a hat trick look like?"

Stegall says, "It is kicking the ball in the goal."

Rickie says, "Go on."

Stegall says, "You have to do it three times."

Rickie says, "Have you ever got one?"

Stegall says, "What?"

Rickie shoots Stegall.

Rickie says, "HAVE YOU EVER GOT ONE?"

Stegall says, "No."

Rickie says, "Then why are you trying to act like you are going to get one."

Stegall says, "I didn't."

Rickie says, "Yes you did Stegall. Yes you did. Hat tricks are only scored by me. Do you read the newspapers Stegall?"

Stegall says, "Yes."

Rickie says, "Well there is this little passage from an article last week that I have memorized, and it sort of fits the occasion. Journal Sentinel, Sport Section, Page One. The path of the righteous soccer player is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of worse soccer players. Blessed is the player who, in the name of talent and good sportsmanship, kicks the crap out of the weak through the valley of darkness on the pitch, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost players. And I will strike down upon thee with great goals and furious assists those who attempt to poison and destroy my teammates. And you will know that I am the best player on that field when I score on a bicycle kick goal against you."