Handman Take One

I am usually one of the first ones to toot my own horn when it comes to home improvement projects around the house. I am sure you have all seen or heard about the basement bar, the fake fireplace, two headed shower, TV in the shower, "Rave Party" garage, and / or family room pay-phone. Well this story is one of those not so great home improvement stories. It is actually more furniture related but I will file it under home improvements. Enjoy.

September 20th, 2004

I ordered up the High Definition Package from the local cable TV Distributor (Off the subject, but still true, I hate the cable company) just as football season was to begin. In doing so, I felt it necessary to get a comfortable chair. I purchased a recliner with a swivel kit. But the swivel kit was not attached. I have done plumbing that leaks and bursts in the cold of winter, and electrically shocked myself at least 10 times, I figured how hard can it be to attach a swivel kit. It was the night of the first Monday Night Football Game of the season and the plan was to have the chair together for kickoff. I got all of my tools out and laid out all of the parts and directions and got to work. I removed the feet, and in doing so it uncompressed the rocking springs. To attach the swivel kit you need to compress the rocking springs and place a bolt through two pieces of metal. And of course the nut can only be put on from the underside. I ended up vice gripping the two pieces of metal together and began putting on the nut. The edges of the metal pieces were rounded and as I balanced the nut on my index finger underneath and turned the bolt from the top, the vice grips slipped off. This set off a chain reaction of decompressing the spring rather rapidly and then slamming my finger, nail first, into a bolt that was opposite of the bolt I was working on. I would say it is a safe estimate that I was lying on the floor sweating and writhing in pain for at least 10 minutes. Not being a quitter, with my purple finger nail I returned to the chair. This time I balanced the nut on my middle finger, it wasn’t 15 seconds after I got everything clamped together again and started threading the bolt that the whole thing sprung apart again with the same result, this time the opposite bolt drove right through my finger nail, leaving a bolt size hole for the blood to drain out through. Being used to the pain, it only took me 5 minutes of laying on the floor in pain. I guess the third time was the charm, as I got the chair together by half time. I didn't enjoy the game at all that night and it took 5 months for the damaged part of the nail to grow out.