Law Application

When I got home this afternoon from work, I checked my mail. In my mail, I found a letter from the Wisconsin Board of Bar Examiners. Apparently my friend, Dave “The General” Stegall has listed me as a reference in his application. I would like to share with all of you some of the questions and my answers to those questions. I would like to make it known, that I do not like lawyers. However, I do take our Judicial System very seriously. With my disclaimer out of the way allow me to begin.

Are you related to the applicant? No, and I thank God everyday for that.

How many years have you know that applicant? 15 of the longest years anyone has ever known.

In what context have you known that applicant? We met in Alcoholics Anonymous and just recently we both registered as Sex Offenders.

From you personal knowledge, do you believe the applicant’s reputation for honest, trustworthiness, diligence, and reliability to be good? If you mean by reliability, you mean never answering his cell phone, or calling you back when he says he will, then yes. But I have a feeling that you don’t. So I would call that a big no. Maybe I should use capital letters. NO.

Do you believe that the applicant possesses good character? Good character? Anthony Hopkins played Hannibal Lector and that was a good character. Sure, Dave has good character.

Do you sincerely and unequivocally recommend the applicant for admission to practice law? Unequivocally? Wow, that is a big word; this is definitely a law application, either that or an insurance policy. I tell you what, I give you my most noninsincere and my least antiunequivocal advisement for the applicant to chase as many ambulances as he wishes.

Has the applicant ever been discharged from employment or asked to resign from employment? I know that he worked for all of one day as a security guard at Menard’s, the reasoning for his dismissal have yet to be released to me. He was also a bouncer at a bar in Oshkosh called the Bubbler. He was able to hold down that job for nearly a week. And three people got beat up in the bar while he was on duty, not to mention the mass number of underage patrons that he allowed to enter the premise.

Has the applicant ever engaged in fraudulent or deceitful conduct? I would consider magic and the art of illusion to be both fraudulent and deceitful conduct. So that being the case, and knowing that Dave dabbles in magic and probably some witchcraft, he does have two cats, I would have to answer with a “Yes”.

Has the applicant ever misused or abused drugs or alcohol? I have never known the applicant to be around drugs and/or alcohol without misusing them and/or abusing them.

Has the applicant ever used illegal drugs? Can I use the back of the page to name them all?

Has the applicant ever displayed and indications that he or she may lack the mental fitness to hold a professional license? He is morbidly obese with respect to mental, physical, emotional and social fitness.

Are there any issues other than those listed above that you believe may be relevant to our investigation. Yeah, how about the time in the army, when he was posted in the Middle East and he decided to address his entire platoon wearing nothing more than his helmet, his boots and a smile.

Dave, I am sure that you will be reading this sooner or later. I suggest you give me a call and we can work on our lies together and maybe revise some of my answers.