One of My All-Favorite Stories

Back in 1997 or 1998 my good friend, Dave Stegall, was in Army Basic Training. In the early goings of his basic training Dave had called me, gave me his address and pretty much begged me to write him a letter or two. Apparently mail call, and getting mail is a big deal in the army. Over the course of the summer I wrote Dave a couple letters. I believe Dave was the rank of “Private”. The first letter I wrote to Dave was addressed as follows:

Sergeant Dave Stegall
c/o Homosexuals in the Army
124 Army Lane
Tacoma, Washington 87590

Apparently Dave received this letter without incident. But it raised his anxiety level, fearing what would happen if future letters came addressed in the same manner. A couple of weeks later I sent Dave another letter. This time I addressed it:

General Dave Stegall
c/o Guys Who Claim to Be Able to Beat Up Their Drill Sergeant
124 Army Lane
Tacoma, Washington 87590

Most of the rest of the accounts of this story I have heard second hand from Dave, but I consider it to be rather factual. And if I have made any errors, I am sure that Dave, who is a semi faithful blog reader will make the proper clarifications. Dave and his platoon had just returned to the barracks and the Drill Sergeant was going through mail call. As he was leafing through the letters and calling out names, he got to my letter for Dave. Upon reading the envelope the Drill Sergeant paused then placed the letter under his left arm. Immediately Dave knew that this was another letter from me. The Drill Sergeant continued through with the rest of the mail and when he finished he announced to the platoon, “Gentleman, you are about to witness something that I have never seen in my 30 years in the military. And it is probably something that none of you will ever see again in your military careers. You are about to see a General in the United States Army drop and do push ups. STEGALL, GET UP HERE!!!” Dave knowing he was in for a hurting, slowly walked up to the Drill Sergeant. When he got up to Drill Sergeant the Sergeant yelled, “STEGALL START PUSHING THEM OUT!!!” And as he did so the Drill Sergeant threw the letter down on the ground. When the letter landed on the floor it landed face down. This was unfortunate for Dave because on the back of the letter I had written “Hey Dave, Don’t worry about the troubles you are having, keep dropping the soap in the shower and sooner of later you will meet that someone special.” This writing had caught the eye of the Drill Sergeant and he stopped and picked the letter back up and read the back. The ensuing dialog was as follows:
Drill Sergeant: “Holy Shit!!! Holy Shit!!! Stegall stand up!”
Dave stands after having only done 7 or 8 push ups.
Drill Sergeant: “Stegall, Are you a homosexual?”
Dave: “Sir, no sir.”
Drill Sergeant: “How did you get in this man’s army? I thought homosexuals weren’t allowed in the Army?”
Dave: “Sir, I am not a homosexual sir.”
Drill Sergeant: “Are you getting wise with me Private?”
Dave: “Sir, no sir.”
At which point the Drill Sergeant puts his hand in front of his crotch region with two fingers pointing out.
Drill Sergeant: “Stegall, How many fingers do you see?”
Dave with his eyes still looking straight forward: “The private refuses to answer that question because he feels that any answer that he gives will be the wrong answer.”
Drill Sergeant: “Get back down there and start kissing the floor.”
While Dave went back to doing his push ups, the Drill Sergeant addressed the remainder of the platoon and went into great detail that he had his suspicions of Dave being in fact gay. Because of these suspicions no one in the platoon was allowed to be in the showers at the same time as Dave. The Drill Sergeant then dismissed the entire platoon to the mess hall except for Dave who was left behind doing push ups. The rest of the platoon actually had to walk around Dave as they exited the barracks, most of them feeling sorry for Dave. This incident also gave rise to Dave’s new nickname “General” which was how the Drill Sergeant addressed Dave for the remainder of Dave’s time on the base. As the days and weeks past, from time to time the Drill Sergeant would see Dave from a distance around the base and would call out “GENERAL!!!” and then he would make a bending motion with his arms. This of course meant that Dave was to do push ups until the Drill Sergeant got there. On another occasion, Dave was in the barracks and headed for the showers, and the Drill Sergeant happened to be around and noticed Dave headed for the showers.
Drill Sergeant: “Stegall, where do you think you are going?”
Dave: “Sir, I was going to take a shower sir.”
Drill Sergeant: “With other men in there? Not on my watch.” He would then walk over to the showers and yell. “Alright everyone out, General wants to take a shower!”
Dave later recalled to me that because of that letter he was forced to do well over 1000 push ups. And when his arms got too sore to do any more push ups, he had to do flutter kicks, so he did equally as many of them. And if I don't mention it, I know Dave will. Apparently all of the push ups that Dave had to do, caused his tendonitis to flair up in his shoulder. Some mornings he had to have his bunkmate help him put his shirt on. Big deal. There were a couple other letters that I sent to Dave that caused a bit of hardship for Dave, namely the one addressed to “Commander in Chief Dave Stegall” but the one addressed “General” got the most play. And I know that one of the letters I sent to him didn’t even have a letter in it, it was just an envelope. I guess be careful what you wish for.